quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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