what day is it and did you see me today?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
