She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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