I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
