During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
