i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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