R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
