4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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