She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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