Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
