I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
