i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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