I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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