Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
