I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
