You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Randomize
