all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's a Shit stain on my heart
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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