So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
