just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
