dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
