Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
