I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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