Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
