fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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