Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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