he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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