he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
