May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
