everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
