On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
