Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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