Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
