I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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