I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
