Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
