When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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