Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
