I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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