I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
