I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
