And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
