I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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