when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
