He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
