Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
