Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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