I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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