Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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