he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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