Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
